Tomb Hater

I love the Tomb Raider games, but I'm not going to pick up the latest, Tomb Raider: Underworld, until it's in the discount bin. Eidos tells the BBC they think the reason Underworld hasn't sold very well so far has to do with the worldwide econopalypse, but I'm not so sure. It's more likely that the giant clusterjam of new games this holiday season (Fable II, Fallout 3, Gears of War 2, LittleBigPlanet, Dead Space, Mirror's Edge, etc., etc. all released within just a few months) had more to do with Lara Croft's disappointing numbers. But maybe it's just because she needs a kick in the short shorts.

There was a time not long ago when I'd pick up any Tomb Raider game sight unseen. You could count on some fun exploration, a few block pushing puzzles, and (in the old days) a set of mammaries that were erotically rigid and triangle-shaped. Tomb Raider II is still one of my favorite games of all time. Of course, it's nearly unplayable these days. The blocky, grid-based level designs and robotic controls are just too unwieldy even compared to Super Mario 64. How did we get by playing fully 3-D games with just a d-pad? But it wasn't the controls that made me lose interest so much as the content. From game to game to game, the formula just started to wear on itself. This time, Lara goes from the jungle to the desert to the snow, and she drives a jeep! This time, Lara goes from the jungle to the desert to the snow, and she rides a motorcycle! Hey, here's a harpoon! Move that block! Find the switch! Triangle boobs!

Even the greatest games can't stand up to the entropic power of diminishing returns, so I got over my Lara love, graduated to the Legacy of Kain series (where's our next-gen Soul Reaver, I ask?) and went through the whole process again. When Core was kicked to the curb and Silicon Knights usurped the triangle boobs, my faith returned once again. In Tomb Raider Legend, the grid-based system and funky controls were gone. This Lara could move diagonally and even change directions without the camera having a seizure and collapsing in a pool of its own fluids. Playing Tomb Raider Anniversary reminded me what I loved about the series in the first place. Sure, technology allows for the boobs to be a little more rounded these days, but the spirit of exploration was still there. I like racking up headshots as much as the next guy, but there's something to be said for hopping around an ancient ruin before discovering the tiny passage you've been looking for all day was just behind that pillar.

So it was with great anticipation and just a little bit of sweaty glee that I downloaded the demo for Tomb Raider: Underworld on the 360. My immediate impression was that Lara has never looked better. I missed the triangles, obviously, but now her curves are very nearly human. And her acrobatics almost make the Prince of Persia look like a paraplegic. But then it hit me. This is just more of the same. Look, it's a southeast Asian jungle. Hey, is that a lever? Why do those tigers hate me so much? Underworld may be big and beautiful, but it's also boring. Previous Tomb Raider games have threatened to break up the monotony by throwing a city-based stage into the mix. Maybe force you to swim for a while. But it's always back to the old standards. Jungle, desert, snow, repeat.

What made Tomb Raider II great (aside from the fact that the formula hadn't had a chance to grow stale) was the variety. That Venice canal level is etched in my brain. So is the opera house. Sure, the game opened in Asian jungle ruins, but that's just the point. Underworld does the same thing!

Eidos, it's time to wake up and smell the repetition. Next time, why not shake things up a bit? Why can't Lara fall into a time tunnel and explore the abandoned monuments of Mars? Or shimmy her way across the mysterious ruins of a bombed out Eastern European village? How about putting a moratorium on blocks and levers and tigers and jungles for a while? No Norse gods, no Atlantis, no Egypt. Lara Croft is Indiana Jones with triangle boobs. Please fix her world before she ends up in the nuclear-proof refrigerator of her fans' bad graces.

Source: Kotaku