Doritos Dash of Destruction (Xbox Live Arcade Review)

If the ultimate goal of Doritos Dash of Destruction is to persuade me to purchase a sack of Doritos, I have to say the developers failed. I don't have anything against Doritos, but I'm not particularly a fan. I like to keep the inside of my mouth un-torn up and non-chemical burned. I am, however, a fan of cybernetically enhanced dinosaurs destroying public property and tearing apart delivery truck drivers. I also like free games. In other words, Doritos Dash of Destruction is a mild success.

For the low, low price of zero Microsoft Points (which translates to roughly zero American dollars), you can download your own digital copy of Doritos Dash of Destruction from the Xbox Live Arcade. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Hold on a second. The last free game I downloaded was that Toyota Yaris thing that burned my retinas and assassinated the very concept of fun. I'm not going through that again." But I'll ask you to close the window, put down your Xbox 360, and take a deep breath. Doritos Dash of Destruction is nothing like that Toyota Yaris game (one of the few, by the way, that was actually removed from XBLA for being too horrible). Sure, you have a massive corporate logo plastered over nearly every screen, but you're not really compelled to buy anything. If you feel your will weakening, just think about the chemical burns. Also, Doritos Dash of Destruction is actually kind of fun.

There are two basic modes of play in Doritos Dash of Destruction. (And before you ask, no, I'm not going to abbreviate it. Partly because I just love typing "Doritos Dash of Destruction" and partly because shortening it would forfeit my stipend from Doritos.) You can choose to play as a dinosaur rampaging through a small town, knocking over houses and trees on your way to slaughtering the seemingly innocent drivers of tiny Doritos delivery trucks. With each subsequent level, you must violently murder ever more Doritos employees. The task becomes more difficult when a second computer-controlled dinosaur joins you, taking valuable innocent blood from your jaws before you can get to it.

Or you can choose to play as one of the innocent delivery truck drivers making your rounds throughout the city, dodging dinosaur teeth and feet as you labor at near slave wages for a massive snack corporation. Make all your stops without being eaten too much, and you're the winner.

There's even a couple of multiplayer modes. One has a group of four dinosaurs competing to eat delivery trucks. Whoever eats a truck first gets to play as the truck, making stops and dodging dino-competitors. When that truck is eaten, its player becomes a dinosaur again, and the victorious dinosaur becomes a truck himself. At the end of the round, whoever has made the most Doritos deliveries wins.

The second multiplayer mode is called "Chaos" and consists of an open town where players compete either as dinosaurs or delivery trucks to rack up the most kills/deliveries in the shortest amount of time.

Of course, you aren't expected to make it all the way through the game with just your thumb twitching skills and your insatiable Doritos hunger. As a dinosaur, you're awarded cybernetic upgrades after every level by some sort of mad scientist named Mike Borland. Turns out Mike came up with the concept for Doritos Dash of Destruction as part of a contest called the Doritos Unlock Xbox Challenge. The winning game idea got to be developed by an actual game studio (in this case, NinjaBee) and released on Xbox Live. If it weren't for Mike's crazed explanations of all the cybernetic dino-enhancements, the between-level menus would be pretty boring. I actually chuckled a bit when Mike explained via static text that the robotic arms he granted to my t-rex did absolutely nothing. Not bad for zero dollars' worth of entertainment.

The Game

You aren't paying anything, so what are you complaining about? Who whines about free stuff? Okay, maybe you shouldn't have downloaded that free Subway Sandwich Restaurant Xbox Live theme. Didn't I warn you? You can't take that stuff off! Now it's nothing but footlong tuna subs every time you want to play Gears of War. But the Doritos corporation isn't like that, see? They only have your best interests at heart. They only want to entertain you is all. Dinosaurs and trucks, man. Dinosaurs and trucks. (6.5/10)

The Time

I beat both single player campaigns while waiting for my frozen pasta to simmer. But the multiplayer adds a little more value to your ZERO DOLLAR PURCHASE! (10/10)

The Verdict

Okay, so Doritos sent me an e-mail just now, and they want me to take back that stuff about their chips destroying the inside of your mouth and causing chemical burns. Fine. Maybe that's just my experience because I'm too much of a wimp to handle the X-TREEM NACHO CHEEZINESS of Doritos X-TREEM NACHO BLAST DUNKIN' SCOOPERS. I admit my shortcomings. And I (reluctantly) admit that Doritos Dash of Destruction has very few. Enjoy your freebie.